I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
