I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
