Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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