just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
