Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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