i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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