and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
