bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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