apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
