omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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