i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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