My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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