It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
