dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
