i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
