She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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