Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
