'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize