My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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