No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
