I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
