I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I think my fart just growled at me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
