You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
