I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
is wine microwaveable?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize