If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
