I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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