this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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