Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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