At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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