I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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