I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
