I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Randomize
