i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
