Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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