just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
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