the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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