Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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