I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
