yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
