I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
