At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
