Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize