I wish my penis had an off switch
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
