The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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