when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I need moral support for this bender
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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