I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
