Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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