We won't sleep together?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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