I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
