so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
