The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
