life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
