connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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