Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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