The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
