Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Randomize
