I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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