I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
