Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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