something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
