the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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