pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
